The Lord Changed Everything

    On the day you were born, Lillian Adelaide, my noble lily, the Lord changed everything.  You see, little girl, as wonderful and miraculous as you are, labor with you may have been the most challenging for me physically thus far.  You were posterior and, in my opinion, not at all ready to leave your cozy little nest to face the world, even though God said otherwise.

            I started having contractions on Monday, the day before your due date, not intense but they never went away.  Then, on Thursday around noon, the contractions changed.  This was the real thing but far apart and long: 10 minutes apart and 2 minutes long.  Until the very end, that never changed.  It was hard waiting, wondering how long this labor would be since typical signs of progress were missing.  At one point I sat on the ball and leaned into Daddy’s lap to take a nap and cry because I felt discouraged and beaten down.  I wanted to hold you.  I missed your brothers.  It was their first night ever away from home and my heart was breaking. And then…

            Well, then I saw the verse I had written in red marker on the mirror to encourage me during labor: Psalm 13:5, 6, “I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me.”  When I wrote the verse, I was taken with how bountifully the Lord had- and continues to- dealt with me, offering mercy and grace; salvation beyond my understanding that makes my heart break and the tears run endlessly; that He has taken me- a sinner, filth in rags, unfit for anything good and holy- and cleansed me, sanctified me with the Blood of the Lamb and then made me the vessel He has chosen to bring you into this world- precious, beloved before birth.  But, in that moment, I saw the part about singing, trusting, rejoicing.  Could I rejoice? In pain, in exhaustion, in fear, in confusion, in seemingly endless waves, could I rejoice, trust, sing? How could I not when He hung on a tree for me and faced the weight of my sins? So I sang, silently, in the depths of my soul with more conviction than ever before: “Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art, how great Thou art!”  And He changed everything.

            You see, God had already made me a promise that He would break the gates of bronze and the bars of iron to give me the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of the secret place.  He would do this in order to show that He is the Lord and there is no other (Is. 45:3, 5).  He was just waiting for me to sing praise to Him, to trust Him and to rejoice in Him.  And that, my darling girl, is the point of the curse: to teach us in the dark wilderness of pain and doubt to trust, to rejoice and to sing.

            Within thirty minutes, you were born.  Because after 28 hours of self-reliance, I remembered Who controls everything and then I gave all my burdens to Him.  And then, I was reminded of how bountifully He has dealt with me, because, my joy and my crown, you were in here, in my arms, screaming louder than any newborn I’ve ever heard.  And He changed everything again because you were perfect.

Clinging

Today, little Princess Pumpernickel was fussing, whining and whimpering and just generally kicking up a whole lot of ruckus.  I was busy doing something and kept trying to comfort her with my words, unable unwilling to pick her up.  To be honest, I was pretty annoyed because she was really cramping my plans for the moment.  I wanted to sit and drink some coffee after putting Pie on the potty, getting Squash to stop yelling at Pickle and Pickle to stop bossing Squash around.  All I could see all around me were little people demanding my attention, sinning against one another and just generally being not so gentle reminders that I don't get to do whatever I want, when I want.When I finally got everyone else situated, I picked her up to nurse her but my heart was focused on other things.  After a few minutes, I realized she was clinging on my necklace as nursing babies like to do.  I looked down and she had fallen asleep at the breast.  She had relaxed in total trust for her comforter (not capitalized because it was me), clinging to the cross around my neck like it was the only thing that was keeping her near the one she wanted, me.  Hello, guilt!  Thanks for joining the party... not!  
In that moment, God gave me a vision of myself and a prayer for each of us mothers.  That we, like the babes we have nourished either at breast or bottle or merely come alongside to comfort, need to place our total trust in our Comforter, the One we are truly seeking when we are crying out, fussing and just being irritated.  We need to cling to the Cross because it is the only thing keeping us near to the One we want, God the Father through Jesus Christ.  The Gospel is our only righteousness and thank God for that because I don't know about you but my personal righteousness isn't all that pretty.  Even in the moment before I was shown all this, I was irritated at a baby for wanting to eat.  Like I don't eat all the time.  Seriously, whenever I want.  But I get to be irritated about the baby, who can't even crawl, for wanting to nurse?  
Thank You, Lord, for the gentle reminder, that I am here to serve others, not myself.  Thank You for these children who show me how to love You better, more purely.
"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." Luke 18:17

Have you ever been taught about God by your children? 

Giving Up Sorrow for Grace

            Yesterday was my husband's ten year reunion for high school. We were small town high school sweethearts so I wanted to go but we could neither afford it nor did we have a desire to leave our children overnight. However, it was the perfect opportunity for the enemy to start whispering in my ear. I only wish I hadn't listened, though I am so grateful for what the Lord showed me instead. You see, I remember very well who I was in high school. Yesterday, probably better than normal with the little reminders that kept cropping up from seemingly nowhere. I was fun, vibrant, outgoing. I was in charge, knew what I wanted, how to get it, willing to work for it, determined to never be a doormat. I was always doing something and had big dreams. I was very involved in school, yearbook, sports, even ASB at one point. I wanted to be a lawyer, go to a good college, live in NYC, travel around the world. If I go married and had children, which was a huge if since I didn't want them, it would be MUCH later in my life. I pretty much imagined my life would be like a movie. I mean, what non-believing teenager doesn't? I wasn't raised in a Christian home and the values of family, home and submission were not instilled in me. I was, I am ashamed to say, openly promiscuous until I met my husband. And to me, it wasn't a big deal at the time. I had even had an abortion when I was a teen, which I still regret to this day.

            Nowadays, my idea of sparkling conversation involve diapers and what's growing in my garden. I have three children and am a stay at home mother, training, teaching, cooking and cleaning my days away. What's that compared to being a lawyer, helping others, living a big life, traveling? How can I deal with the common issues of bickering, floors that never stay clean, laundry that never stays tidy and folded, and food that always needs cooking when I was supposed to be so much more than this? What would all those other people think of me: submissive; the freak wearing a head covering and skirts; not even having finished college; home schooling; still staying in our small town and buying a house there in which to raise a family? Was this really what I wanted to show people? Never mind the fact that a lot of them know what we are doing and who we are thanks to social media. For some reason, actually seeing them made a big difference.

            My husband could see I was working up to a huge outburst so he took the children to the park. I decided to make dinner and clean the house before home school started today. Yet another thing that separated me from who I used to be: home schooling. I loved school, was always the teacher's pet and got great grades without even trying. Still feeling down and defeated, I put on my favorite worship CD and started to chop veggies for the supper I was making. Ironically, I was making stew because I sure was stewing about the life I had wanted. The life I had intended to have. The life I had given up for this one.

            Suddenly, the peace of the Lord fell upon me in a powerful way. The Lord says in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I was right! I had given up the life I had wanted and intended for this one. And yes, it is filled with messes, bickering and irritations. But it is filled with joy, laughter, hugs, kisses and peace. I don't want to be a lawyer, a law enforcer. I want to be a grace enforcer and I get to be that to my children everyday. I don't want to miss a moment of my children's learning and I don't have to. While diapers aren't always a good topic of conversation, there is nothing wrong with finding joy in the fruit of the land that the Lord has brought us into. And that the land is in a small town where we grew up is all that much better. We can go to the exact place my husband and I met to show our children. We can continue our legacy where it started. Why would I want to live in the city surrounded by man's creation and glory when I can live in this small town surrounded by God's creation? Am I a freak for wearing skirts and a head covering as a reminder to be sweet and feminine and submit to my husband  or am I an obedient child of God doing my best to bring joy and peace into my home by following God's calling on my life? Best of all, I get to give up my dreams in favor of the Lord's dream for me. What a trade! I give up on something that would have undoubtedly brought me sorrow for something that invariably brings me joy. And I get to help three little men and my grown man to grow into the Lord's dreams for them, which is the most rewarding and demanding job I could have ever dreamed about. Truly, God's Word is true in Jer 29:11: “For I know the thoughts that I have toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Welcome Peter Joseph!

It official: Peter Joseph is our little paradoxical baby. He has defied every expectation we had of him. As many of you know, we were planning a hospital birth since we couldn't afford a home birth. In the middle of May, we found out that our doctor had lost his privileges to deliver at the hospital and we began planning our home birth, which, through God's grace, was much more affordable. We were so happy because we were concerned about getting to the hospital an hour away in time. After our last birth and the fact that we live in what many people consider the middle of nowhere, our midwives were concerned that they wouldn't make it here in time. We were instructed to call as soon as I thought I was in labor. But I was convinced that God wouldn't bring the baby that quickly since He had coordinated it for us to have a home birth with midwives that we trusted. So two weeks later, after many false alarms (most of which I didn't contact the midwives about), one of the midwives asked if I would be willing to have my water broken to "help things along." Though I am not for labor inducement, with my midwives' concern and the annoyance of having contractions for the past few months, I agreed. La Shel said they would be at our house around 8 or 8:30 to break my water after the boys went to bed. When she arrived, we got down to business rather quickly and broke my water. I was instructed to go for a walk to help get things started. So a-walking we went and nothing happened.... After a while, I was told to go to bed and rest and everyone laid down. After a very restless night for Colin and I, Jamin left around 5 AM with instructions to call La Shel if things changed from the 9 minute apart contractions since she is only about 30-35 minutes away. Still nothing happening.
At 9 AM, La Shel called to check on me. Things still weren't really happening but I was still tired. I told La Shel that I was going to lay down again for a little while, then eat breakfast and go for a walk. She suggested that perhaps we should augment our induction with a bit of castor oil. Leaving me with instructions to take castor oil at noon if nothing was happening or call her with any changes, we got off the phone. At about 9:30, I woke up and ate some breakfast and got ready to go for a walk, even though I was still tired. At 9:45, we set off at a slow pace. Within the first 30 feet from the house, I had a contraction lasting a minute. By the time we were 2 houses down from our house, I was having another contraction and Colin was sending La Shel a message to come back to the house. I told him he was crazy and that as soon as she got here, things were going to stop again. We got to the pond and I was having another contraction. Halfway back to the house along the golf course, after another contraction, Colin suggested we head home. I still wanted to lay down and didn't think anything was really happening so I agreed. When we got home, I had another contraction (my 5th) and ended up throwing up on the grass. I told Colin to call the midwife and find out where she was: 15 minutes away according to her GPS and going 80MPH. I sat down on the chair outside, enjoying the sun and breeze and noting a little longer break between contractions. As I started another contraction, La Shel called back to tell me to go lay down so that gravity wasn't helping Baby along. I agreed since I felt a minor urge to push at the time. After laying down, I had the major urge to push and told Colin to start washing his hands and find out where the midwife was: 10 minutes away according to GPS (more like 12 in real life). The next contraction the phone rang and completely broke my no pushing concentration. At that point, I told Colin that he needed to call La Shel again to find out where she was: at the corner of Cole Grade and Valley Center Rd, 6 minutes. She began giving Colin instructions: get the blankets, put some chuck pads under me. After a second of panic, he began to follow her instructions, only to be interrupted by my countermand to undress me NOW because the baby was coming. He dropped what he was doing to undress me and discovered that the baby was crowning. As he reached out to support the baby's head, the entire head emerged, followed quickly by the baby's body. Though not funny at the time, I think it's funny that Colin was trying to tell La Shel what was happening but by the time he said, "There's the head!" the baby was completely out. That's right, Colin delivered our baby with no midwife here, 28 minutes from first contraction to birth! The first paradox: God arranged for us to have a home birth because He knew we would be safer at home!  The second: I was sure I wasn't in real labor, my midwife wanted to further augment and my husband was the only one who was sure it was real.
After the birth, Colin followed La Shel's instructions to lay the baby on my belly and begin drying him off, check to see if the cord was pulsating, etc. Even before I could see little Peter Joseph, I said, "He's so tiny!" The whole end of my pregnancy, my belly was so hard and big that we were convinced it was all baby and that he would be close to 10 pounds since his big brothers were both over 9 pounds. Not so! He weighed in at a tiny 7lbs 11oz at birth. I know, I know. This is a normal sized baby but, after having birthed my two 9+ pound whoppers, this little guy is a tiny little peanut. Plus there is something about him that seems... I don't know. Fragile isn't the right word and neither is dainty but even the Thesaurus isn't giving me the word I'm looking for. When the midwife broke my water, my belly halved in size. I seriously looked 6 months pregnant, not full term.
PJ is a teeny tiny eating machine, nursing constantly and easily. What a blessing! Dylan and Joshua love him. Dylan wants to treat him like one of Ava's baby dolls, telling me what to do with him and where to put him down. Joshua has surprised me by easily giving up his number one nursing status and insisting that I nurse the baby every time he so much as moves. Though they are very challenging right now because they are so excited and don't understand the fragility of a newborn, they are adjusting a lot better than we had hoped. Colin wants to hold him constantly, loving the special connection they have.
So all is well here in the Skidmore household, with everyone adjusting to our tiny new addition.

*This birth was attended by Jamin and La Shel of San Diego Midwife